I'm in my early 20's
I live in Maryland.
I've been bulimic for 7 years.
Mind is willing, soul remains. This woman cannot be saved...
My period has been giving me hell, So i gave it:
15mg Adderall - quick release
600 mg Ibuprofen
1/3 of a bagel sandwhich- 150 cal
Pint of hard cider
5 mg oxycontin
bout to make a lot of marijuana infused baked goods.
bout to be a good day.
fuck you, mother nature.
I’ve put myself in quite the predicament…
There is something seriously wrong with my gums. They have been burning non-stop for the past 2 weeks. My body is taking FOREVER to heal, and I heal so strange now. all my wounds look so hideous during the process, and some of them appear to be infected? I’m always so tired. Always freezing. Most always light-headed. My stomach is either nauseous or in pain for 50% of the day….
But I cant just go to the doctor… what if they put me in treatment? I wouldn’t even mind treatment so much, but would I have to tell my boyfriend, and my friends? Could I just make something up? Will they put me on some sort of list and not take me seriously anymore, because I did this all to myself? Will they even help me when I tell them what I’ve done?
How did I get here?
Things are progressing so well though!! Food is so much less consuming! (unless it’s in my stomach, then it promptly wants out, and THAT will consume me until it can escape) but my desires to binge are so low!! It’s so much easier to tell food “no”. Now I can go whole days without eating anything at all!
Can’t I just absorb nutrients from the sun, like a plant? fuck.
Virginia Woolf’s suicide note to her husband Leonard before drowning herself.
On 28 March 1941, Virginia Woolf put on her overcoat, filled its pockets with stones, and walked into the River Ouse near her home and drowned herself. Her body was not found until 18 April 1941. Her husband buried her cremated remains under an elm in the garden of Monk’s House.
(via norma-bara)
sooo…..
whilst at my house, my boyfriend treats me fantastically. Now that we’re at his house, he isnt affectionate at all, he kissed me 4 times yesterday, 3 of which, i asked for, and there was resisitance. I still have no idea why he started crying the other night. I have no idea how he feels about me, aside from the fact that he wants me to give him children and stay with him forever. But he hasn’t said a word to me all day. Just got out of bed, and left. He apologized about being meaner to me the past few days, he said he was just jojking, but still….. ALDKFJASDKJFHASDJK;FHASDJKLFHASDHJDFJKLA;JKLDFASKLDFASKL;DFJ i dont know if i should persue this and take a phat risk, or ditch it, and get my head in the game. If I stay we need to have a big talk. and yeah, he’s busy as fuck, but if you dont have time for a relationship, then you have no buisness being in one. Its not fair for me to have all these questions floating around in my head, making me feel so uneasy, just because its hard for him to talk…… and he doesnt even try! well…… I take that back.
I JUST DONT WANT TO FUCKING HAVE TO WORRY
WHO SAID YOU COULD START TAKING DOWN THE WALL???
STUPID BITCH!! NOW LOOK WHAT YOU’VE DONE!! YOU STARTED TO LET HIM IN!! YOU’VE GIVEN AWAY SECRETS!! YOU’RE BEING MADE A FOOL OF!!
So. here is what’s on my mind
havin’ a party. drank a little bit. JUST took a solid hit of K, so I can chill the fuck out and stop being so paranoid about my boyfriend. My stupid fucking ex ruined my trust in everyone… So, my current boyfriend went to bed very early compared to his usual, and it’s making think that he’s cheating on me, or avoiding me or some stupid shit. I know he has the house to himself this weekend, and I realize that we live far away from each other, and that he is REALLY busy, but… I just cant help but feel this way after knowing how my ex was. I wish there was a way to start fresh. I want to trust him, but ignoring my instincts feels like I’m being dumb.. But I feel like these are illegitimate fears…. fuck i hate having to connect with other humans… wtf am I doing in a relationship? especially with a guy I like so much… I dont want this to get ugly!!! The good thing is that he helps my b/p desires. Since he isnt already aware of my binge tenancies, my plan is to just eat very little around him all the time, so that’s how he thinks I normally am. So restricting has become so much easier. He just cant know how disgusting I am… and I don’t know if he’d even put up with it… I really don’t think he would. (I mean, who the fuck would??)
From architecture after the street:
Past Future Cities
(via what-is-this-i-dont-even)